The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
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This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.