Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
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I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.