Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
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Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever