I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
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They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Me driving through Toronto
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$