Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
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Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)