*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I didn’t come here to be called names
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey