I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
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Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I have a black belt in leather
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.