Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
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The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
screw you
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.