i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
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my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Sharon, call the vet
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad