My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
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How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT