“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
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Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
drew a comic about my origin story
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
gentlemen, hear me out
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Just a bush.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Need tips on making something look like an accident.