Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
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[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I think we should hear other voices.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
he’s doing your taxes
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES