Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
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Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
August 8
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.