It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
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Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up