No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
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Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.