Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
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Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process