An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
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You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]