For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
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There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Yup
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
My ideal weight is five million dollars
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals