9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
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My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
she has a point
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.