How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
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ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping