A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
You Might Also Like
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.