HELP 😭
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I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Thursday Thought.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.