me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
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Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.