doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
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I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks