Remember to think of others this holiday season!
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I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.