Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
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I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Me, flirting😏
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her