I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
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Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist