I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
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Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why