[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
You Might Also Like
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My Plans 2020
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.