Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
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SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Its true…
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K