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I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Fidel Castro was alive?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.