Love this guy
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Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Happy Caturday!
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean