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give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.