Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
You Might Also Like
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand