An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
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Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.