I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
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Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.