Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
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No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.