When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
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Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Proctology is located in A55
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.