My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
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Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Just got to our Airbnb!
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror