Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
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Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”