Never be a pizza!
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He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.