Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
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Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
A huge thanks to the person that did this
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E