Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
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‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
this is what they would have looked like, though
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.