Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
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One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
There are usually two types of merchants.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents