When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
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my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Friday
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”