I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
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Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Me too door. Me too.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public