FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
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You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Banking tips
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat