Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
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If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂