When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
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It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family