Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
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Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
yall want some gasoline milk
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
every college guy’s fridge
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.